My sheets look like a crime scene.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
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you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize