I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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