For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
