Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
