I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
