i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
