Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
