I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
