take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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