alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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