I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
