When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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