I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
