you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
