yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
