When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
zippers are such a cool invention
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
