I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
