I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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