Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
