Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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