Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
