Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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