I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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