and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
be right there i have to get my cape
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
