I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
