Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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