It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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