My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
