I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
