I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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