It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
