Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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