I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
