I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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