So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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