so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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