You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
