i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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