So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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