I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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