hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
