literally had 100 drinks last night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
