Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
