i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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