i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
