Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
