I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
