P.S. I can't hear my feet
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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