Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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