I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
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