this beer tastes like vomit already
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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