If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
