i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
