we made out on top of his cat.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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