Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
