Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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