Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
NoShamevember. You game?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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